This is very personal but I’m writing this post in honor of all the mothers that never got to meet their babies or lost their babies far too early, I fear I know too many of you.
From my earlier posts you all know that I was not in a good place spring of 2011. Not many people, not even my friends, know why that was exactly. I don’t know why I felt the need to keep it secret, but that April I had a miscarriage.
We weren’t officially trying to get pregnant, I had just been off my birth control for one month and I didn’t expect it to happen so soon. But sure enough I was late. When I got those 2 pink lines I didn’t know whether to be happy or terrified. The next day I started bleeding. My OB confirmed that I was having a miscarriage and since it was such a young pregnancy we decided to let it progress naturally.
Its strange how you can fall in love with something so quickly. I only knew I was pregnant a few short hours but the loss was devastating. I instantly blamed myself, I wasn’t taking care of myself since I didn’t know I was pregnant. Could it have been that drink I had at happy hour? Or the occasional cigarette? It took a lot to forgive myself and to trust in my body again. In July we were cleared to start trying again but I wasn’t sure if I was really ready. We did anyway, thank goodness, because in August we conceived Chicken.
Also many people don’t know that my pregnancy started off as triplets. Obviously 2 weren’t viable and did not progress after week 8. Again I was heartbroken. But I had to stay strong for my one little baby that was left. All of the pain was worth it when I heard his little heart beat. I bought a doppler just so I could hear it every day. I thank God for blessing me with my little miracle. I know now that all of the loss I endured will make me appreciate him more than I could have dreamed.
I also have to thank all of my friends that kept me strong, my in real life friends and the many friends I met on the bump pregnancy loss boards. Without those resources I would not have made it through a very dark time. I also thank my other miracle baby, though I didn’t carry him in my belly God always intended me to carry him in my arms. He gave me purpose when I didn’t feel like I had any.
October is Infant/Pregnancy Loss and SIDS Awareness month. Let’s take some time to remember the babies who were born asleep, or whom we carried but never met. For those babies we have held but could not take home, or the ones who made it home, but did not stay.