Stopping the spinning

I know I have been quiet lately. It may be because I was looking for the words to describe how I’m feeling. Or it may be because I don’t want to say it out loud. But until I do I can’t come to terms with it. My worst fear is coming true.

In June, A’s father petitioned for full custody. After a long litigation process it seems the court is siding with him and Thursday is our final hearing. After which “transitioning” will begin.

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Comic relief aside, Heavenly Father I am trying to understand your plan but I’m having trouble seeing the good in it. This child saved me from a life of temptation, is he now meant to do that for his father? But when does he get to rest and enjoy unconditional love? Can anyone possibly love him more than I do? Will I still be his mother?

If mothers can go on after their child goes to heaven, surely I can survive mine moving to the next state. But how can I act like everything is normal when I feel like my world is ending.

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